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[ categories: best 1x2, best drama, best one-shot ] The Angels Fall Again The Angels Fall Again Confiteor Deo Omnipotenti et tibi Pater quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo et opere... mea culpa... mea maxima culpa... The snowflakes are falling again. Watch, they drop silently, , sometimes in chunks. It's fascinating watching them, not on the ground but up in the sky. You can't tell where they are formed but you can see them suddenly appear in the Heavens. Falling in curious formations they never follow the same order twice. I've always wondered what would happen if one winter they suddenly realized that they've followed all the formations they knew and had no other path to go. Would they simply begin again from the start? Or would they stop altogether? I remember watching them as a young child; I'd forget the war as the flakes fell around me. They were magical to me, as if everything became okay, all the troubles lost in the purity of the white. Snowfall was my childhood escape until the day I saw an angel fall. Its back was bloody where the wings had been torn off, it's body burned by heat. It screamed silently watching me, reminding me of all my sins. It had fallen because I stole; it had fallen because I ran. More and more angels fell after I took part in the battles; I'd come home from a day's killing to watch them crash into the ground. Their death toll ceased as the war ended, but there were so many sins left that I ended up going to a psychiatric evaluation set up for soldiers by the United Earth Sphere. *** Facility: Male Ward Excerpt: 1) The angels are falling too. At the sound of our sins they hurl themselves from the Heavens into the torment of Hell. Like the snowflakes they'll soon run out of time. Sometimes they'll make stops on the crossroads of limbo along the way before continuing down. I'm not sure of that though, all I know is that they fall onto Earth before entering Hell to burn. I've seen them dropping with the snow, it's the whole martyr process; makes them feel good... Patient is showing signs of severe depression and trauma, most likely from past experiences. [See footnote 3] Patient has a history of attempted suicide. *** Sancte Michael archangele, defende nos in proelio... I didn't pass my evaluation, no surprise there. They had me admitted into a hospital, by then I'd turned eighteen, and I signed myself in. I needed to escape from the one thing that still made me sin. *** Facility: Male Ward Excerpt: 1) The angels have stopped falling for a while now, without us humans to sin, they have no reason to lose their wings. Instead they float around in the safety of Heaven amongst the comfort of clouds and halos. On their multi-coloured wings they are able to hold on to an aloofness of security," Third week of therapy. Patient has made moderate progress and is openly expressing feelings with therapist. Patient still disoriented and likelihood of schizophrenia or personality disorder present. *** Sanctis apostolis, omnibus sanctis... The boy had wings. Saints sprout wings, but he was no saint. He was a self-proclaimed version of Death, though he would never admit it. He walked around in an imaginary cloak of darkness, casting shadows upon me. He followed me to the hospital in the fourth week and told me dirty lies. I think that a part of me believed him. He was so perfect of a soldier; no one could kill like that and still give in to lust at night without being a demon. He was my lust. *** Case Record File Notes: Patient suffers from a severe preoccupation with delusions and frequent auditory hallucinations of angels falling from heaven usually onset by thoughts or urges considered inappropriate or impure. Compulsive praying has also been noted but has not as of yet been linked to any anxiety disorders i.e. obsessive-compulsive disorder. Patient suffers from a mood disorder characterized by unpredictable and self-destructive behaviors [see note 8, section 4]. Patient at times confuses his own identity and suffers from chronic feelings of boredom and impulsive anger and severe depression. *** The way he moves around like he's bearing life on his shoulders, eyes cold and hollow. He told me that people die but he's left behind because of his eagerness to die. I guess that's true. I mean other men ran from the end but the end seemed to just get further away from him, and I think it's tearing him apart inside. Truth be told, just thinking of him throws my thoughts off course. I used to think that he loved me but he was always cold when he touched me. It was as if he only needed me for the comfort of being inside of someone. It was when he continued to run away that I finally realized he didn't love me. I decided that I didn't want to be just his security blanket, his stuffed animal to hold in the night during the war. I needed to be real or nothing, but it was too late. I was struck by him, he was everywhere to me; this evil cast over my unconscious mind, tormenting me. I couldn't escape him, I still can't. He came after me, even as I run his shadow follows me around. *** Facility: Male Ward Excerpt: 1) I remember as a child I would watch the soldiers die, their blood spreading over the white of their shirts, like the pedals of roses. It was beautiful. 2) It drove me to the edge of my mind to not be able to get him out of my head. I wanted to prove myself to him, so I let my blood spill like roses. See we weren't allowed to go out and buy anything, so instead I opened my arms to him and gave his blood roses." They were the purest kind. 24 stitches in my left arm, 21 in my right. He deserved the best, he deserved red roses. Pure crimson red, the pedals danced around his face as he entered the room where I waited to give him his gift. 3) He used to ask me what would happen to his kingdom if everyone went to Heaven. Before I could ever think up a helpful answer he would lean over and kiss me, knowing that somewhere from above, another angel would fall into Hell. I hated him for that and he knew it. He wanted to destroy me... I think he succeeded. Patient shows severe signs of lack of self-worth and is indulged in behaviors of self-harm. *** I'm escaping from this place, this place that I had escaped to in the first place. He had followed me here, that lover of death. That timeless killer like myself. I loved every part of him, especially that part. But with every kiss an angel falls, those sins of mine that fills his kingdom. I'm not supposed to speak of Hell. I've learned about that whole system, Sunday mass and all. I'm not going to compare him to Lucifer; he isn't anything like Lucifer so I know that it's crazy. Everything about us was crazy; it was a crazy time. It's true that he belongs in the hospital like me, we've both been screwed which is how we ended up here in the first place. All this guilt floating around; it's infectious. I came here for protection from myself; he came to punish himself. They were supposed to protect us, make us better. Everyone is a prisoner here to this so-called sanctuary and sooner or later it gets to you. We were all desolated angels at one point, and the feeling of reality was just too painful. Insanity, on the other hand, made you numb inside, so there's no emotion left to hurt with. I shut myself from the outside world, away from forbidden lust, and threw myself right into the insane that was his touch. Now I'm leaving. *** In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti... The words flutter from my lips at a barely noticeable pitch as I make the sign of the cross. I touch a finger to the wooden crucifix at my chest, the sound of the rosaries clattering through the air. I really wish I could stop doing that. I've never actually believed in the whole catholic religion, never even came close. But during the war, Death was always knocking and natural instinct pushed me towards that dreadful place. Confession was the worst, but the people at the refugee camps said that it was expected. So I went, and now I'm stuck with it. I can of course see the derision of it all, condemning some higher being and then praying for forgiveness to counter it. I mean who would bother to listen in on my thoughts anyway? Thoughts that are sprouting from me as I'm standing here on the frozen sidewalk while neon lights glaring at me and busy pedestrians crowding me from both sides. There are no stars out tonight because of the snow but it's enough to captivate me, allowing my mind to run off. I tell myself that the angels have stopped falling, but my thoughts still sin. I'm sick you see? Disgusting. I didn't say I wanted love or a relationship of any sort when I went to him, I said that I wanted sex. Pleasure in it's purest form. No commitment, no responsibility, just escape. I still wanted him; I wanted more when he didn't want anything. "Duo!" I turn around; he's here. With him in the picture the nighttime city streets and the people it claims seem like gray matter. My surroundings fall into the backdrop as he stands out. Glowing all on his own, he needed no light; he was the light. He stood there watching me, eyes hardened and glazed. The Prussian blue orbs encircled by eyelashes that are framed by snowflakes. His jacket was left open and beneath it he wore no more than a tank top and jeans almost as if to intentionally reveal his damaged heart. There is no denying by anyone that he is beautiful but to me he was more than just the boy-toy that was pretty to look at. He was an enigma, a saviour that I couldn't have and for that I have to stop pretending. "Let's go back Duo," he said, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. I didn't utter a word because then I'd have to risk making him leave, instead I nodded my head and he placed his jacket on my shoulders. It was wet and hung heavily over my T-shirt and I think that a part of me cried because I knew that he didn't love me. What hurt most was that I didn't care. It frightened me to finally realize that I didn't really need his love, I only needed him and that it had become okay with me. He held onto my hand not really caring about who could've seen. A finger traced over my scars and I flinched. He noticed and tried to let go, but I held on. My breath formed in the air as I tried desperately to breathe in his every fragment. He had been so afraid of touch, or was it me? *** We walked together for quite the distance; an anachronistic pair unable to fit into the rules and boundaries that society had locked them within. As we headed back to the hospital, the God of Death and the Perfect Soldier, I gave myself in to a moment of fortitude, feeling an empowering need to break free. Society claims that we are wrong, filthy, and abnormal, I'm not sure if he still thinks so too. The insistence that we didn't have love, only lust, was simply pathetic; I know what I feel for him. We are young but we have not yet been free and I think that the closest I've ever been to freedom is when I'm with him. Being confined since the war ended, hasn't really given me any time to live and I think it's about time I gave it a chance. We were soldiers during war, we'd come home after battle and stare into each other's backs, gazes burning. We'd pretend it was nothing, but the war is over now. I pulled him to a stop and as he turned towards me confused, my mouth twitched into a smile and I leaned forwards. He didn't run away, instead he met me halfway. He'd been running too but from what? He was okay with the sex; it didn't bother him like it did me. Angels didn't mind when he sinned, he didn't have to watch them hurl themselves into damnation. What if...could it be love? Was Heero Yuy afraid of love? Without a word I placed my lips on his, 'Bless me Father for I have sinned', and the angels fall again. Like I care. There aren't enough angels in Heaven to die from my love. *** Facility: Male Ward Excerpt: 1) He was my first love, actually he was my only. I loved him for so long, but see, he never loved me. By the end of the war the angels had began to stop falling. Then we had sex, and they fell for many nights after that. It was sickening. They wouldn't stop, but I knew I would end up going back to him. So I came here see? And the angels were safe. But he's sick you know, so he followed me here. I needed him so bad...I saw an angel fall the very next night. I tried to ignore it but I wanted him so bad, and they kept falling. They hadn't done anything wrong, but he loved the way they fell. He felt that he could relate. I wanted to give him another gift Doctor, so that he would stop wanting angels. So I gave him roses see? But he didn't want them. That's why I ran Doctor, to save the angels, but I love him Doctor and I can't stop. He's starting to understand, he's not as afraid anymore, not as ashamed. He brought me back Doctor and I kissed him. I mean, he risked everything and broke every rule just to bring me back here. We were both put into isolation and he hates that place Doctor. But he went there anyway, for me. 2) Sometimes I look at him and I just want to die because he makes me hurt so badly. There's this ache in my heart that won't stop trying to drown me. The angels and Heero Yuy ...angel... boy... angel... boy... cut... it's all so weird. I just wanted it to stop. But to kiss him... 3) Doctor, we made love last night, the real thing. And Doctor? The angels didn't fall. Patient recovery expected [For note see excerpt 3] Owari |